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SoonerTimes Home > SoonerTimes > OU Sports > Off-topic, off-season, and off-the-wall – your favorite jokes, puns, or one-liners


Off-topic, off-season, and off-the-wall – your favorite jokes, puns, or one-liners
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OU Chinaman
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 Posted: Thu Mar 2nd, 2017 02:48 am

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K2C Sooner wrote:
Black horses can't jump..........




...TOO FUNNY K2C Sooner!

OU, OU, OU!!!

Triple Option
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 Posted: Fri Mar 3rd, 2017 03:38 am

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Grandpa suggested I register for a donor card. He’s a man after my own heart.

Grandpa always said "there's no place like home." Yet, when we put him in one . . .

Grandpa was happily married for 32 years - out of 67.

Actually, Grandpa was a real family man - he had 3 of them.

When I was little, I used to get Grandpa and Grandma mixed up - by using big words.

SwampSooner
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 Posted: Fri Mar 3rd, 2017 04:03 am

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1. The Wall Street Journal is read by the people who run the country.
2. The Washington Post is read by people who think they run the country.
3. The New York Times is read by people who think they should run the country, and who are very good at crossword puzzles.
4. USA Today is read by people who think they ought to run the country but don't really understand The New York Times.
5. The Los Angeles Times is read by people who wouldn't mind running the country, if they could find the time and if they didn't have to leave Southern California to do it.
6. The Boston Globe is read by people whose parents used to run the country.
7. The New York Daily News is read by people who aren't too sure who's running the country and don't really care as long as they can get a seat on the train.
8. The New York Post is read by people who don't care who is running the country as long as they do something really scandalous, preferably while intoxicated.
9. The Chicago Tribune is read by people that are in prison that used to run the state, & would like to do so again, as would their constituents that are currently free on bail.
10. The Miami Herald is read by people who are running another country, but need the baseball scores.
11. The San Francisco Chronicle is read by people who aren't sure if there is a country or that anyone is running it; but if so, they oppose all that they stand for. There are occasional exceptions if the leaders are gay, handicapped, minority, feminist, atheists, and those who also happen to be illegal aliens from any other country or galaxy, provided, of course, that they are not Republicans.
12. The National Enquirer is read by people trapped in line at the grocery store.
13. The Seattle Times is read by people who have recently caught a fish and need something to wrap it in.

Last edited on Fri Mar 3rd, 2017 04:03 am by SwampSooner

OldHippie
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 Posted: Fri Mar 3rd, 2017 11:22 am

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My wife Bunny and I incurred several problems while assembling our new computer system, so we called the help desk.
The man on the phone started to talk to my wife in computer jargon, which confused us even more.
"Sir," my wife politely said, "please explain what I should do as if I were a four-year-old."
"Okay," the computer technician replied. "Sister, could you please put your daddy on the phone?"










even

Last edited on Fri Mar 3rd, 2017 11:26 am by OldHippie

Cemetery Guy
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 Posted: Fri Mar 3rd, 2017 02:12 pm

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SwampSooner wrote: 1. The Wall Street Journal is read by the people who run the country.
2. The Washington Post is read by people who think they run the country.
3. The New York Times is read by people who think they should run the country, and who are very good at crossword puzzles.
4. USA Today is read by people who think they ought to run the country but don't really understand The New York Times.
5. The Los Angeles Times is read by people who wouldn't mind running the country, if they could find the time and if they didn't have to leave Southern California to do it.
6. The Boston Globe is read by people whose parents used to run the country.
7. The New York Daily News is read by people who aren't too sure who's running the country and don't really care as long as they can get a seat on the train.
8. The New York Post is read by people who don't care who is running the country as long as they do something really scandalous, preferably while intoxicated.
9. The Chicago Tribune is read by people that are in prison that used to run the state, & would like to do so again, as would their constituents that are currently free on bail.
10. The Miami Herald is read by people who are running another country, but need the baseball scores.
11. The San Francisco Chronicle is read by people who aren't sure if there is a country or that anyone is running it; but if so, they oppose all that they stand for. There are occasional exceptions if the leaders are gay, handicapped, minority, feminist, atheists, and those who also happen to be illegal aliens from any other country or galaxy, provided, of course, that they are not Republicans.
12. The National Enquirer is read by people trapped in line at the grocery store.
13. The Seattle Times is read by people who have recently caught a fish and need something to wrap it in.

This stuff is about twenty years out of date.  Everybody is on their phone nowadays.

Gandalf
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 Posted: Mon Mar 6th, 2017 02:02 am

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I thought this thread needed a bump.

Attachment: first-randomness-29.jpg (Downloaded 225 times)

K2C Sooner
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 Posted: Mon Mar 6th, 2017 05:05 am

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Boo!

K2C Sooner
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 Posted: Mon Mar 6th, 2017 05:07 am

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Boo! Again..........

K2C Sooner
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 Posted: Mon Mar 6th, 2017 05:10 am

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You take the high road and I'll take the low road........

K2C Sooner
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 Posted: Mon Mar 6th, 2017 05:12 am

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Fact of the day..............

K2C Sooner
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 Posted: Mon Mar 6th, 2017 05:14 am

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Well I was Kung Foo Fighting............

K2C Sooner
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 Posted: Mon Mar 6th, 2017 05:15 am

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Smokeum if you gotum..............

K2C Sooner
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 Posted: Mon Mar 6th, 2017 05:17 am

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Rock N Roll.......

K2C Sooner
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 Posted: Mon Mar 6th, 2017 05:18 am

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I can't hair you and mean hear you..........

Last edited on Mon Mar 6th, 2017 05:30 am by K2C Sooner

K2C Sooner
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 Posted: Mon Mar 6th, 2017 05:20 am

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I gots to get me one.......

K2C Sooner
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 Posted: Mon Mar 6th, 2017 05:22 am

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Well, this is weird............

K2C Sooner
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 Posted: Mon Mar 6th, 2017 05:25 am

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The crappie are biting on Eufuala. I think I picked the wrong minnow..........

K2C Sooner
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 Posted: Mon Mar 6th, 2017 05:26 am

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On the road again..........


Triple Option
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 Posted: Mon Mar 6th, 2017 03:37 pm

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Grandpa had the heart of a lion and a lifetime ban from the Kansas City Zoo.

Grandpa used to say, “Fight fire with fire.” Which is probably why he got kicked off the fire department.

Grandpa used to say, “Always leave them wanting more.” That’s probably why he lost his job at City Union Mission.

Grandpa was ill; his skin was real dry and he was very pale, so my grandmother rubbed lard all over him to help his dry skin, then laid him on the slope in the yard where he could get some sun. After that he went downhill very quickly.

After Grandpa’s funeral, I scattered his remains into the wind from a hill at the city park. In retrospect, that may not have been the best idea because he hadn’t been cremated.

Triple Option
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 Posted: Tue Mar 7th, 2017 04:35 pm

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If I Could Have Any Superpower, It'd Definitely Be Invisibility

By Superman



It's kind of a nerdy question, but it always seems to come up. You'll be hanging out with a few friends and someone will ask, "If you could have any superpower you wanted, what would it be?" Most people can't answer right away because there's so many to choose from. But not me. I know exactly what I'd pick, hands down, every time: invisibility.

Just think about invisibility for a second. No one can see you. You're there but not there. You could be in the same room with someone, standing inches away, and they wouldn't realize it. Sure, they could reach out and touch you if they wanted—but why would they? They wouldn't know you were there! Heck, an invisible person could be watching me this very second, and if not for the fact that my super hearing allows me to detect a heartbeat anywhere in the world, I'd have no way of knowing.

Go stand in front of a mirror. Now, imagine there's no one looking back at you. Or what it would be like if you held your hands directly in front of your face and saw nothing but the wall on the other side of the room. That's impossible, right? That simply does not happen!

Invisibility would definitely blow people's minds. I could be holding a 50-ton tanker truck above my head, and it would look like it's just floating there, in total defiance of the laws of physics. Or I could put out a fire at an oil refinery with my super-cold breath, but no one would see me expel the subzero, hurricane-force winds from my lungs—to them it would be this miraculous gust of arctic air blowing in from absolutely nowhere.

Can you imagine what it's like to fly over a crowd of people and not have a single one of them look up and point at you? What could be more amazing than that?

There I am, floating invisibly outside Brainiac's spaceship. I can use my X-ray vision to make out every last detail of his evildoing, yet he's completely oblivious. His sensors detect something, of course, but he's sure they're malfunctioning because by all appearances there isn't anything out there. And later, when I nudge the earth from its orbit just enough to avoid his apocalypse beam, he never knows how I discovered his plan. He probably wouldn't believe me if I told him!

Yeah, invisibility is the best superpower, without a doubt. I honestly don't know why people even have this discussion.

The only downside to invisibility I can think of—and I've given this a lot of thought—is how tempting it would be to abuse it. For instance, it would be very easy to rob a bank. I could just stand in the lobby, totally unnoticed by anyone, and wait until everyone went home for the evening. Then, with the whole building to myself, I could simply walk up, rip the vault door off its hinges, and fill my money bags at the speed of light. If the police somehow arrived before I finished, I wouldn't have to worry about being arrested, because I could stroll right past them.

Which isn't to say I wouldn't want to be invisible. But with power like that, I'd just need to be very, very careful.

In any case, I realize it's a silly fantasy. It's never going to happen. If someone wants to shoot me, all they have to do is spot me on the street, aim, and pull the trigger, and if the bullet is going fast enough to hit me, it'll bounce off my chest in full view of everyone.

That's how it's always going to be. There's no getting around the limitations of the real world. It's fun to ponder, though. Come to think of it, it'd also be cool to have an elastic body and be able to stretch my arms and legs 20 feet or something. That'd be amazing.

Can you imagine?

K2C Sooner
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 Posted: Sat Mar 11th, 2017 06:27 am

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Get off the phone and get back to work!

K2C Sooner
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 Posted: Sat Mar 11th, 2017 06:35 am

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Back to the drawing board.......

K2C Sooner
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 Posted: Sat Mar 11th, 2017 06:37 am

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Message board battle.........

K2C Sooner
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 Posted: Sat Mar 11th, 2017 06:39 am

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How the horn fans see themselves the first of the season...



K2C Sooner
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 Posted: Sat Mar 11th, 2017 06:42 am

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How the horns season goes....featuring a Lou Corso look-a-like.:tt:

K2C Sooner
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 Posted: Sat Mar 11th, 2017 06:44 am

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Yum Yum eat um up..........

K2C Sooner
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 Posted: Sat Mar 11th, 2017 06:46 am

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I call him E.T.

K2C Sooner
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 Posted: Sat Mar 11th, 2017 06:49 am

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:big confused::big confused::big confused:

K2C Sooner
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 Posted: Sat Mar 11th, 2017 06:50 am

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That's it for tonight. Time for my work out.

Triple Option
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 Posted: Sun Mar 12th, 2017 06:48 pm

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I wanted to save money so I built a place for my books out of boards and cement blocks. But it fell over on me. I have only my shelf to blame.

Some guy tried to sell me a burial plot, but I told him that's the last thing I need.

Someone drilled a hole in the fence around a nudist camp. The police are looking into it.

It's hard to explain puns to a kleptomaniac because they always take things literally.

I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place.


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