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SoonerTimes Home > SoonerTimes > OU Sports > Off-topic, off-season, and off-the-wall – your favorite jokes, puns, or one-liners


Off-topic, off-season, and off-the-wall – your favorite jokes, puns, or one-liners
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Triple Option
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 Posted: Tue Feb 21st, 2017 06:32 pm

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(Just for the record, lest I offend someone, one of the reasons I've always thought Jeff Foxworthy's "you might
be a redneck" jokes are so funny is because I see myself or my family in most of them. - Triple Option)
:D


Things you'll never hear in SEC country

1. "I'll take Shakespeare for 1000, Alex"
2. "Duct tape won't fix that."
3. "Do you have any “lite” bologna?”
4. "We don't keep firearms in this house."
5. "You can't feed that to the dog."
6. "I thought Graceland was tacky."
7. "No kids in the back of the pick-up... it's not safe."
8. "Professional wrestling's fake."
9. "Honey, did you mail that donation to Greenpeace?"
10. "We're vegetarians."
11. "Do you think my hair is too big?"
12. "I'll have grapefruit instead of biscuits and gravy."
13. "Honey, these bonsai trees need watering."
14. "I don't understand the appeal of NASCAR."
15. "Give me the small bag of pork rinds."
16. "Deer heads detract from the decor."
17. "Spitting is such a nasty habit."
18. "I just couldn't find a thing at Wal-Mart today."
19. "Trim the fat off that steak."
20. "Cappuccino tastes better than espresso."
21. "The tires on that truck are too big."
22. "I'll have the arugula and radicchio salad."
23. "Unsweetened tea tastes better."
24. "Would you like your fish poached or broiled?"
25. "My fiance is registered at Tiffany's."
26. "I've got two cases of Zima for the Super Bowl."
27. "She's too old to be wearing that bikini."
28. "Does the salad bar have bean sprouts?"
29. "Hey, here's an episode of "Hee-Haw" that we haven't seen."
30. "I don't have a favorite college football team."
31. "Be sure to bring my salad dressing on the side."
32. "I believe you cooked those green beans too long."
33. "Those shorts ought to be a little longer, Darla."
34. "Elvis who?"
35. "Checkmate."

Triple Option
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 Posted: Wed Feb 22nd, 2017 02:07 pm

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Just before the cat catches him, a mouse dives into his hole, and just laughs as he hears the cat meowing angrily. But soon after, he hears the dog barking right outside. The dog has never paid any attention to the mouse, and he knows the cat is afraid of the dog, so he confidently marches back out of his hole. The mouse is surprised that he doesn’t see the dog, at which point the cat immediately pounces on the mouse and eats him.

As the cat sits there licking his paws, he thinks to himself “It’s great to be bilingual!”

Walt
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 Posted: Wed Feb 22nd, 2017 04:35 pm

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Triple Option wrote: Just before the cat catches him, a mouse dives into his hole, and just laughs as he hears the cat meowing angrily. But soon after, he hears the dog barking right outside. The dog has never paid any attention to the mouse, and he knows the cat is afraid of the dog, so he confidently marches back out of his hole. The mouse is surprised that he doesn’t see the dog, at which point the cat immediately pounces on the mouse and eats him.

As the cat sits there licking his paws, he thinks to himself “It’s great to be bilingual!”

That isn't being bilingual, as cats are of the Felidae family while dogs are of the Camidae family.  That is quite a bit above the specie level. 

So, that is a joke on Mother Nature and she isn't going to be happy with you!! :soonermad:

SwampSooner
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 Posted: Wed Feb 22nd, 2017 11:17 pm

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Roy Rogers was returning from town on his horse Trigger.  He had bought some supplies and a pair of cowboy boots,  Suddenly, a mountain lion leaps off a cliff , knocking Roy off his horse.  Roy hit a rock and was unconscious for several minutes.  When he came to, he saw that the cat had torn into the supplies and had mauled his  new boots.

Roy rode to the ranch, and after telling Dale Evans what happened, he took out his rifle, hunted the mountain lion down and killed him.

Planning to skin the cat, Roy put the carcass on Trigger and road home.

He was met by Dale at the gate to ranch where she quipped, "Pardon me Roy, is that the Cat who chewed you new shoes?" (Say it out loud)

Gandalf
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 Posted: Thu Feb 23rd, 2017 01:00 am

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The Dog’s Diary

8:00 am - Dog food! My favorite thing!
9:30 am - A car ride! My favorite thing!
9:40 am - A walk in the park! My favorite thing!
10:30 am - Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing!
12:00 pm - Milk bones! My favorite thing!
1:00 pm - Played in the yard! My favorite thing!
3:00 pm - Wagged my tail! My favorite thing!
5:00 pm - Dinner! My favorite thing!
7:00 pm - Got to play ball! My favorite thing!
8:00 pm - Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favorite thing!
11:00 pm - Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing!

The Cat’s Diary

Day 983 of My Captivity

My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets. Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength.

The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape. In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet. Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates my capabilities. However, they merely made condescending comments about what a “good little hunter” I am. Idiots.

There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of “allergies.” I must learn what this means, and how to use it to my advantage.

Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow, but at the top of the stairs.

I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches. The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released, and seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously insane. The bird must be an informant. I observe him communicate with the guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. My captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe. For now ...

OU Chinaman
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 Posted: Thu Feb 23rd, 2017 01:50 am

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...Two whales, a male and a female, noticed a ship of whalers hunting them.
The male said to the female, " Let's swim under their boat and blow our spouts at the same time. We'll capsize their ship." Somewhat reluctantly, the female agreed and sure enough the whale hunters boat turned over spilling the sailors into the water.
The whale hunters then began swimming and the male said to the female, "Come on, we can eat them now."
The female replied,
"NO! I was down with the blowjob,...but I am not going to swallow the sea men!"

:D


OU, OU, OU!!!

OldHippie
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 Posted: Thu Feb 23rd, 2017 04:53 am

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Gandalf wrote:
The Dog’s Diary

8:00 am - Dog food! My favorite thing!
9:30 am - A car ride! My favorite thing!
9:40 am - A walk in the park! My favorite thing!
10:30 am - Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing!
12:00 pm - Milk bones! My favorite thing!
1:00 pm - Played in the yard! My favorite thing!
3:00 pm - Wagged my tail! My favorite thing!
5:00 pm - Dinner! My favorite thing!
7:00 pm - Got to play ball! My favorite thing!
8:00 pm - Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favorite thing!
11:00 pm - Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing!

The Cat’s Diary

Day 983 of My Captivity

My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets. Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength.

The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape. In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet. Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates my capabilities. However, they merely made condescending comments about what a “good little hunter” I am. Idiots.

There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of “allergies.” I must learn what this means, and how to use it to my advantage.

Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow, but at the top of the stairs.

I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches. The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released, and seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously insane. The bird must be an informant. I observe him communicate with the guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. My captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe. For now ...

Love it:lol::pirate::lol:

jwsooner
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 Posted: Thu Feb 23rd, 2017 10:54 pm

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Auto Mechanic: I think that we got that banging noise fixed as soon as we let your wife out of the trunk.

K2C Sooner
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 Posted: Fri Feb 24th, 2017 05:03 pm

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Smoke em if you got um..........

K2C Sooner
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 Posted: Fri Feb 24th, 2017 05:05 pm

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Taste like chicken.....

K2C Sooner
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 Posted: Fri Feb 24th, 2017 05:08 pm

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How much rice, uh ramen noodles, can a chinaman eat....


K2C Sooner
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 Posted: Fri Feb 24th, 2017 05:11 pm

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Boo...

K2C Sooner
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 Posted: Fri Feb 24th, 2017 05:15 pm

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Exclusive picture from a Crimson Reign tailgate..

K2C Sooner
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 Posted: Fri Feb 24th, 2017 05:22 pm

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I can do that.........

K2C Sooner
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 Posted: Fri Feb 24th, 2017 05:24 pm

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Glass houses........

K2C Sooner
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 Posted: Fri Feb 24th, 2017 05:27 pm

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Will this thread ever end............

Walt
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 Posted: Fri Feb 24th, 2017 05:44 pm

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K2C Sooner wrote: Will this thread ever end............






A local priest and a local pastor stood by the side of the road holding up a sign that said, "The End is Near!   Turn yourself around now before it's too late!" They planned to hold up the sign to each passing car.


"Leave us alone, you religious nuts!" yelled the first driver as he sped by.  From around the curve they heard a big splash.

"Do you think," said one clergyman to the other, "we should just put up a sign that says 'bridge out' instead?"

Triple Option
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 Posted: Fri Feb 24th, 2017 09:56 pm

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Once upon a time, long, long ago, and far, far away, a king had an enormous treasure that he kept hidden. The only ones who knew where it was hidden were the king and his three trusted counts. One day, enemies overran the kingdom, stormed the castle, and murdered the king.

They took one of the counts, put his head on the chopping block and said “Tell us where the treasure is or you’re going to die, you’re no good to us anyway if you won’t talk!” He said resolutely “Absolutely not! I promised the king I would never tell!” And wham! The executioner’s blade came down and chopped off his head, and it rolled across the floor.

The other two counts’ eyes got big, and the enemies grabbed the second count, put his head on the chopping block, and said “Tell us where the treasure is or you’re going to die, you’re no good to us anyway if you won’t talk!” He hesitated a bit, and said “Well, it’s . . . we put it . . . no! I can’t tell. I promised the king I would never tell!” And wham! The executioner’s blade came down and chopped off his head, and it rolled across the floor.

The third count was now sweating bullets. The enemies grabbed him, put his head on the chopping block, and said “Tell us where the treasure is or you’re going to die, you’re no good to us anyway if you won’t talk!” He saw the heads of his two friends lying there, vacant eyes staring back at him, and he started to crumble, but was torn by the oath of secrecy he had sworn. He said “It’s . . . no, I cant’ . . . we put it . . . I just can’t . . . well . . . no! I can’t tell. I promised the king I would never tell!” The executioner’s axe descended but just before impact the count screamed “OK! I’LL TALK!” But wham! It was too late.

And the moral of the story is: Don’t hatchet your counts before they chicken.

Gandalf
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 Posted: Sat Feb 25th, 2017 01:09 am

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A senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out of the dealership.

Taking off down the road, he floored it to 80 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left.

'Amazing,' he thought as he flew down I-94, pushing the pedal even more. Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a state trooper behind him, lights flashing and siren blaring. He floored it to 100 mph, then 110, then 120. Suddenly he thought, "'What am I doing? I'm too old for this,"' and pulled over to await the trooper's arrival.

Pulling in behind him, the trooper walked up to the Corvette, looked at his watch and said, "Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes.. Today is Friday. If you can give me a reason for speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go." The old gentleman paused. Then said, "'Years ago, my wife ran off with a State Trooper. I thought you were bringing her back."'

"'Have a good day, sir,"' replied the trooper

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 Posted: Sat Feb 25th, 2017 01:16 am

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How about some wife jokes?:

My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels.

She asked, 'What's on TV?'

I said, 'Dust.'

And that's when the fight started

...............................................

My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.

I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?"

"No," she answered.

I then said, "Is that your final answer?"

She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying "Yes.."

So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

And that's when the fight started

...............................................

I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary?"

It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation.

"Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said...

So I suggested, "How about the kitchen?"

And that's when the fight started

...............................................

A woman was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.

She was not happy with what she saw and said to her husband, 'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'

The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'

And that's when the fight started

...............................................

I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order
first. "I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please."

He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"

Nah, she can order for herself"

And that's when the fight started

...............................................
When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace
expensive... so; I took her to a gas station.

And that's when the fight started

...............................................

One year, a husband decided to buy his mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift.

The next year, he didn't buy her a gift.

When she asked him why, he replied, "Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"

And that's when the fight started

Triple Option
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 Posted: Mon Feb 27th, 2017 08:35 pm

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Speaking of wives:

My wife told a friend "I didn't want to marry him for his money, but that was the only way I could get it!"

My wife was standing there holding the checkbook and asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.

I haven't talked to my wife in three days. I don't like to interrupt.

My wife is kind of bossy. She told me to stop doing my flamingo impression. So I finally had to put my foot down.

My wife and I were happy for 22 years. Then we met.

OldHippie
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 Posted: Tue Feb 28th, 2017 01:06 am

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I came home from work one day and smelt something coming from the kitchen. I walked in and asked my wife what the garbage was doing on the stove?

The jury said it was justifiable homicide!!!!!!!:shock: 

Triple Option
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 Posted: Tue Feb 28th, 2017 10:25 pm

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Did you hear about the guy who invented Lifesavers? He made a mint!


Did you hear about the guy who was in an accident and lost his left arm and left leg? He's all right now.

Triple Option
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 Posted: Wed Mar 1st, 2017 11:16 pm

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A thief broke into the local police station and stole all the toilets, leaving no clues. A spokesperson indicated there were no leads in the case saying, "We have absolutely nothing to go on."

Triple Option
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 Posted: Wed Mar 1st, 2017 11:22 pm

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Researchers have discovered that the leaves of a particular fern are a sure cure for constipation. A spokesman was quoted as saying "With fronds like these, who needs enemas?"

Triple Option
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 Posted: Wed Mar 1st, 2017 11:38 pm

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Did you hear about the guy who worked at the meat processing plant and backed into the grinder? He got a little behind in his work.

Did you hear about the dyslexic devil worshipper? He sold his soul to Santa.

A friend bet me I couldn't swallow my watch. I finally did, but it was very time consuming.

K2C Sooner
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 Posted: Thu Mar 2nd, 2017 02:26 am

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K2C Sooner
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 Posted: Thu Mar 2nd, 2017 02:31 am

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Wimpy in the pool.......

K2C Sooner
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 Posted: Thu Mar 2nd, 2017 02:34 am

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Meanwhile in Arkansas..........

K2C Sooner
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 Posted: Thu Mar 2nd, 2017 02:40 am

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Black horses can't jump..........


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