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SoonerTimes Home > SoonerTimes > OU Sports > Off-topic, off-season, and off-the-wall – your favorite jokes, puns, or one-liners


Off-topic, off-season, and off-the-wall – your favorite jokes, puns, or one-liners
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Cemetery Guy
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 Posted: Thu Feb 9th, 2017 02:23 pm

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These three blondes were walking in the woods when they came across some tracks.
The first one said "those are deer tracks."  The second one said "no, no, those are
moose tracks."  The third one said "you are both wrong, those are elk tracks."
They were still arguing about it when the train hit them.

jimmc
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 Posted: Thu Feb 9th, 2017 07:42 pm

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Great thread. :D:D

SoonerRick46
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 Posted: Thu Feb 9th, 2017 09:24 pm

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The other day I got pulled over by a cop. When he got to my car he asked me why I ran the stop sign. I told him I don't believe everything I read.

SoonerRick46
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 Posted: Thu Feb 9th, 2017 09:24 pm

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Last night a played a blank tape at full volume. It drove the Mime in the apartment above me crazy.

Last edited on Thu Feb 9th, 2017 09:25 pm by SoonerRick46

Triple Option
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 Posted: Fri Feb 10th, 2017 05:37 pm

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I bought a muzzle for my pet duck. Nothing fancy, but it fits the bill.

Triple Option
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 Posted: Fri Feb 10th, 2017 05:39 pm

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I've decided to sell my vacuum cleaner. It's just been collecting dust anyway.

SoonerRick46
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 Posted: Sat Feb 11th, 2017 01:03 am

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I have an incredible sea shell collection. Maybe you've seen it....scattered on the beaches of the world.

OldHippie
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 Posted: Sat Feb 11th, 2017 03:44 am

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A little boy opened the big and old family Bible with fascination, and looked at the old pages as he turned them. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible, and he picked it up and looked at it closely. It was an old leaf from a tree that had been pressed in between the pages.
 "Momma, look what I found," the boy called out.
 "What have you got there, dear?" his mother asked.
 With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered: "I think it's Adams suit!"

Triple Option
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 Posted: Mon Feb 13th, 2017 03:13 pm

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You can’t lose a homing pigeon. If your homing pigeon doesn’t come back, then what you lost was just a pigeon.

Triple Option
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 Posted: Mon Feb 13th, 2017 03:15 pm

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What's E.T. short for?












Because he's got those little bitty stubby legs.

K2C Sooner
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 Posted: Tue Feb 14th, 2017 05:36 am

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Sunday, February 12, 2017




Old Age Still Isn't For Sissies





This is what all of you 70+ year olds, and yet-to-be kids have to look forward to!! This is something that happened at an assisted living center.

The people who lived there have small apartments but they
all eat at a central cafeteria. One morning one of the residents didn't show up for breakfast so my wife went upstairs and knocked on his door to see if everything was OK. She could hear him through the
door and he said that he was running late and would be down shortly so she went back to the dining area.

An hour later he still hadn't arrived so she went back up towards his room and she found him on the stairs. He was coming down the stairs but was having a
hell of time. He had a death grip on the hand rail and seemed to have trouble getting his legs to work right. She told him she was going to call an ambulance but he told her no, he wasn't in any pain and just wanted to have his breakfast. So she helped him the rest of the way down the stairs and he had his breakfast.

When he tried to return to his room he was completely unable to get up even the first step so they called an
ambulance for him. A couple hours later she called the hospital to see how he was doing. The
receptionist there said he was fine, he just had both of his legs in one leg of his boxer shorts.

I am sending this to my children so that they don’t sell the house before they know the facts.

K2C Sooner
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 Posted: Tue Feb 14th, 2017 05:40 am

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Yum Yum...eat um up.:lol:

K2C Sooner
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 Posted: Tue Feb 14th, 2017 05:45 am

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Think Fast!

K2C Sooner
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 Posted: Tue Feb 14th, 2017 05:48 am

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Why we never see the Geicko caveman anymore..

K2C Sooner
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 Posted: Tue Feb 14th, 2017 05:51 am

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I never liked turtles myself.....

K2C Sooner
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 Posted: Tue Feb 14th, 2017 06:00 am

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What do you mean you won't two-step with me?

Triple Option
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 Posted: Tue Feb 14th, 2017 07:14 pm

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If you've been married three times and still have the same in-laws, you might be from the SEC.

If you ever cut your grass and found a car, you might be from the SEC.

If your wife has ever said, "Come move this transmission so I can take a bath," you might be from the SEC.

If you've ever been involved in a custody fight over a hunting dog, you might be from the SEC.

If going to the bathroom at night involves shoes and a flashlight, you might be from the SEC.

Triple Option
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 Posted: Wed Feb 15th, 2017 02:02 pm

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Billy Joe Ray Donnie Lee and his twin half-brother Bobby Joe Ray Donnie Lee loved to fish. They heard about ice fishing up north and had to try it. Just before getting to the frozen lake, they stopped at a little bait shop and got supplies, including an ice pick.

An hour later, one of them returned to the shop and bought another dozen ice picks. Three hours later the other one came back and said, "We're going to need all the ice picks you've got."

The man in the bait shop finally asked, "How are you fellows doing?"
"Not so good" he replied. "We don't even have the boat in the water yet."

K2C Sooner
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 Posted: Wed Feb 15th, 2017 02:37 pm

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Triple Option wrote:
Billy Joe Ray Donnie Lee and his twin half-brother Bobby Joe Ray Donnie Lee loved to fish. They heard about ice fishing up north and had to try it. Just before getting to the frozen lake, they stopped at a little bait shop and got supplies, including an ice pick.

An hour later, one of them returned to the shop and bought another dozen ice picks. Three hours later the other one came back and said, "We're going to need all the ice picks you've got."

The man in the bait shop finally asked, "How are you fellows doing?"
"Not so good" he replied. "We don't even have the boat in the water yet."

...........................................................

News Flash....They made it....:D

Cemetery Guy
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 Posted: Wed Feb 15th, 2017 05:03 pm

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This lady takes her parakeet to the vet because it won't wake up.  The vet takes a look at the bird, pokes it, and says "Ma'am, I'm sorry to tell you that your parakeet is dead."  The woman get angry and says "How do you know he's dead?  You didn't even do anything.  Aren't there tests that can tell for sure what's wrong?"

The vet says "Fine, I'll see what I can do."  He puts his fingers in his mouth and whistles.  In comes an orange tabby who hops up on the exam table, paws at the parakeet, shakes his head, and then walks out.  Immediately in comes a labrador retriever who jumps up on the table, sniffs at the bird, shakes his head, and then leaves.

The vet tells the lady "Well, that's conclusive.  I'm sorry but your bird really is dead.  Here's my bill."  The lady is mad again, exclaiming "How can it possibly cost $400 bucks for this?"  The vet tells her "If you'd accepted my opinion in the beginning it would have only been $100, but you're the one who insisted on the cat scan and the lab report."

Last edited on Wed Feb 15th, 2017 05:03 pm by Cemetery Guy

SwampSooner
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 Posted: Thu Feb 16th, 2017 04:33 am

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A Roman walks into a bar and orders a mar-tun-us.

The bartender asks, "Fort you mean martini?"

To which the Roman replied, "If I had wanted two, I would have asked for two."

SoonerMike
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 Posted: Sun Feb 19th, 2017 01:49 am

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There were four churches and a synagogue in a small town: a Presbyterian church, a Baptist church, a Methodist church, a Catholic church, and a synagogue. Each church and the synagogue had a problem with squirrels.

The Presbyterian church called a meeting to decide what to do about their squirrels. After much prayer and consideration, they concluded the squirrels were predestined to be there and they shouldn't interfere with God's divine will.

At the Baptist church the squirrels had taken an interest in the baptistery. The deacons met and decided to put a water slide on the baptistery and let the squirrels drown themselves. The squirrels liked the slide and, unfortunately, knew instinctively how to swim so twice as many squirrels showed up the following week.

The Methodist church decided that they were not in a position to harm any of God's creatures. So, they humanely trapped their squirrels and set them free near the Baptist Church. Two weeks later the squirrels were back when the Baptists took down the water slide.

But the Catholic Church came up with a very creative strategy. They baptized all the squirrels and consecrated them as members of the church. Now they only see them on Christmas and Easter.

Not much was heard from the Jewish synagogue; they took the first squirrel and circumcised him. They haven't seen a squirrel since.

Walt
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 Posted: Sun Feb 19th, 2017 03:37 pm

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Walt
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 Posted: Sun Feb 19th, 2017 03:47 pm

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The basketball coach stormed into the university president’s office and demanded a raise right then and there.
“Please,” protested the college President, “you already make more than the entire History department.”
“Yeah, maybe so, but you don’t know what I have to put up with,” the coach blustered. “Look.”
He went out into the hall and grabbed a jock who was jogging down the hallway. “Run over to my office and see if I’m there,” he ordered.
Twenty minutes later the jock returned, sweaty and out of breath.
“You’re not there, sir,” he reported.
“Oh, I see what you mean,” conceded the President, scratching his head. “I would have phoned.”

Walt
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 Posted: Sun Feb 19th, 2017 03:50 pm

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It was Saturday morning and Jake, an avid hunter, woke up ready to go bag the first deer of the season. He walks down to the kitchen to get a cup of coffee, and to his surprise he finds his wife, Alice, sitting there, fully dressed in camouflage. Jake asks her, “What are you up to?” Alice smiles, “I’m going hunting with you!” Jake, though he has many reservations, reluctantly decides to take her along.

They arrive at the hunting site. Jake sets his wife safely up in the tree stand and tells her: “If you see a deer, take careful aim on it and I’ll come running back as soon as I hear the shot.” Jake walks away with a smile on his face knowing that Alice couldn’t bag an elephant — much less a deer.

But not 10 minutes pass when he is startled as he hears an array of gunshots. Quickly, Jake starts running back. As Jake gets closer to her stand, he hears Alice screaming, “Get away from my deer!” Confused, Jake races faster towards his screaming wife. And again he hears her yell, “Get away from my deer!” followed by another volley of gunfire.

Now within sight of where he had left his wife, Jake is surprised to see a cowboy, with his hands high in the air. The cowboy, obviously distraught, says, “Okay, lady, okay! You can have your deer! Just let me get my saddle off it!”

Walt
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 Posted: Sun Feb 19th, 2017 03:53 pm

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What did the fish say when he hit the concrete wall?      Dam!

Walt
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 Posted: Sun Feb 19th, 2017 03:55 pm

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Two guys are talking about fishing. One says to the other, “I am NEVER going to take my wife fishing with me, ever again!” “That bad, huh” “She did everything wrong! She did everything wrong! She talked too much, made the boat rock constantly, tried to stand up in the boat, baited the hook wrong, used the wrong lures and WORST of all she caught more fish than me!”

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 Posted: Sun Feb 19th, 2017 03:57 pm

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Cletus took Maynard to his first football game. They had great seats right behind their team’s Bench. After the game, Cletus asked Maynard how he liked the experience.

“Oh, I really liked it,” he replied, “but I just couldn’t understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents.”

Dumbfounded, Cletus asked, “What do you mean?”

“Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was: ‘Get the quarter back! Get the quarter back!’ I mean, come on… it’s only twenty-five cents!”

SwampSooner
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 Posted: Sun Feb 19th, 2017 08:23 pm

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Three couples were meeting with the pastor of the local church.

Pastor  You all have done well learning the tenets of our church.  You have volunteered and helped out here.  You have one more step before you will be allowed to join our congregation.  As our Savior sacrificed his life for us, you all must make a sacrifice.  You must abstain from sex for a month.

A month later, they were again in the pastor office.  He turns to the 60-year old couple and asks if they abstained from sex for the entire month.  They said they had.  The husband said it started getting difficult there toward the end but a couple of cold showers did the trick.  To which the pastor responded, "Welcome to our church."

The pastor turned toward the 40- year old couple and asked if they had abstained from sex.  They said they had to which the husband added, that it was getting difficult there toward the middle of the month, but he took up jogging and that helped tide them through the month.  Too which the pastor responded, "Welcome to our church."

The pastor turned toward the 20-year old newlyweds and asked if they had abstained from sex for an entire month.  The husband replied that it was really difficult.  He was taking cold showers every night and running five miles a day to try to resist the urge, but as the days passed it getting harder and harder to resist.  I was doing my best until she bent over to pick up a can of corn and I couldn't stop myself.  To which the pastor replied,"I am sorry to hear that, but you are not welcome in our church."

As the newlyweds got up to leave, the husband said, "That is OK pastor, we are not welcome in Walmart either."

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 Posted: Sun Feb 19th, 2017 08:39 pm

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A housewife takes a lover during the day, while her husband is at work.

Unknown to her, her 9 year old son was hiding in the closet. Her husband came home unexpectedly, so she hid her lover in the closet.

The boy now has company.

Boy: “Dark in here.”
Man: “Yes it is.”
Boy: “I have a baseball.”
Man: “That’s nice.”
Boy: “Want to buy it?”
Man: “No, thanks.”
Boy: “My dad’s outside.”
Man: “OK, how much?”
Boy: “$250.”

In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the mom’s
lover are in the closet together.

Boy: “Dark in here.”
Man: “Yes, it is.”
Boy: “I have a baseball glove.”
Man: “How much?”
Boy: “$750.”
Man: “Fine.”

A few days later, the father says to the boy, “Grab your bat and your glove. Let’s go outside and play some baseball.”

The boy says, “I can’t. I sold them.”

The father asks, “How much did you sell them for?”

The son says, “$1,000.”

The father says, “That’s terrible to overcharge your friends like that. That is way more than those two things cost. I’m going to take you to church and make you confess.”

They go to church and the father alerts the priest, and makes the
little boy sit in the confession booth and closes the door.

The boy says, “Dark in here.”

The priest says, “Don’t start that sh*t again”


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