SoonerSports.com link
Oklahoma Sooner YouTube Channel

Search
   
Members

Calendar

Help

Home
Search by username
Not logged in - Login | Register 
SoonerTimes Home > SoonerTimes > OU Sports > Off-topic, off-season, and off-the-wall – your favorite jokes, puns, or one-liners


Off-topic, off-season, and off-the-wall – your favorite jokes, puns, or one-liners
 Moderated by: sybil, EMan, ClintA.Adams, ArmySooner  

New Topic

Reply

Print
AuthorPost
Triple Option
Member


Joined: Mon Oct 25th, 2010
Location: Pleasant Hill, MO
Posts: 2048
Country of Origin: 
Signature: 
Status:  Offline
Mana: 
 Posted: Thu Feb 2nd, 2017 07:11 pm

Quote

Reply
Walt wrote (on another thread):
We are in that dreaded dead period between signing day and the Spring game. We do need some things to discuss or this place might just die of boredom. :cool: Just remember, you asked for this. ;)


A soldier survived mustard gas in battle, and then pepper spray by the police. He's now a seasoned veteran.

47Straight
Ragtags


Joined: Tue Aug 14th, 2007
Location: Amarillo
Posts: 6445
Country of Origin: Indian Territory
Signature: #8 in '18
Status:  Offline
Mana: 
 Posted: Thu Feb 2nd, 2017 07:28 pm

Quote

Reply
Triple Option wrote: A soldier survived mustard gas in battle, and then pepper spray by the police. He's now a seasoned veteran.

Attachment: 1 ready to surrender again.jpg (Downloaded 591 times)

K2C Sooner
Member


Joined: Wed Feb 17th, 2016
Location:  
Posts: 2871
Country of Origin: 
Signature: 
Status:  Offline
Mana: 
 Posted: Thu Feb 2nd, 2017 07:32 pm

Quote

Reply
[img]

A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing. You're just like Frank."

Passenger: "Who?"

Cabbie: "Frank Feldman. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time."

Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."

Cabbie: "Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy."

Passenger: "Sounds like he was really something special."

Cabbie: "There's more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman could do everything right."

Passenger: "Wow, what a guy!"

Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too. He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman."

Passenger: "How did you meet him?"

Cabbie: "I never actually met Frank. He died and I married his wife." [/img]

K2C Sooner
Member


Joined: Wed Feb 17th, 2016
Location:  
Posts: 2871
Country of Origin: 
Signature: 
Status:  Offline
Mana: 
 Posted: Thu Feb 2nd, 2017 07:38 pm

Quote

Reply
Fashion show in Austin...........

K2C Sooner
Member


Joined: Wed Feb 17th, 2016
Location:  
Posts: 2871
Country of Origin: 
Signature: 
Status:  Offline
Mana: 
 Posted: Thu Feb 2nd, 2017 07:40 pm

Quote

Reply
Fact of the day.........

K2C Sooner
Member


Joined: Wed Feb 17th, 2016
Location:  
Posts: 2871
Country of Origin: 
Signature: 
Status:  Offline
Mana: 
 Posted: Thu Feb 2nd, 2017 07:43 pm

Quote

Reply
INCOMING...........

K2C Sooner
Member


Joined: Wed Feb 17th, 2016
Location:  
Posts: 2871
Country of Origin: 
Signature: 
Status:  Offline
Mana: 
 Posted: Thu Feb 2nd, 2017 07:47 pm

Quote

Reply
Hide and seek..........

K2C Sooner
Member


Joined: Wed Feb 17th, 2016
Location:  
Posts: 2871
Country of Origin: 
Signature: 
Status:  Offline
Mana: 
 Posted: Thu Feb 2nd, 2017 07:49 pm

Quote

Reply
BOO!

K2C Sooner
Member


Joined: Wed Feb 17th, 2016
Location:  
Posts: 2871
Country of Origin: 
Signature: 
Status:  Offline
Mana: 
 Posted: Thu Feb 2nd, 2017 07:51 pm

Quote

Reply
Horse racing starting soon.........

K2C Sooner
Member


Joined: Wed Feb 17th, 2016
Location:  
Posts: 2871
Country of Origin: 
Signature: 
Status:  Offline
Mana: 
 Posted: Thu Feb 2nd, 2017 07:55 pm

Quote

Reply
Okay, I'm done....

Triple Option
Member


Joined: Mon Oct 25th, 2010
Location: Pleasant Hill, MO
Posts: 2048
Country of Origin: 
Signature: 
Status:  Offline
Mana: 
 Posted: Thu Feb 2nd, 2017 08:20 pm

Quote

Reply
My wife thinks I'm addicted to brake fluid, but I can stop whenever I want.

OU Chinaman
Member


Joined: Sun Nov 8th, 2015
Location: Blanchard
Posts: 1795
Country of Origin: 
Signature: OU, OU, OU!!!
Status:  Offline
Mana: 
 Posted: Fri Feb 3rd, 2017 02:27 am

Quote

Reply
...the difference between Guts and Balls!

"Guts" is defined as the night you come home late after a night at the pub with your mates and your wife meets you at the door with a broom, you say to her,...

ARE YOU STILL CLEANING, OR ARE YOU FLYING SOMEWHERE?

"Balls" is defined as the night you come home late after a night at the pub with your mates, and when your wife meets you at the door, she sees lipstick on your collar and smells a strange perfume. You say to her,...

YOU'RE NEXT CHUBBY!


BOTH COMMENTS ARE FATAL!

OU, OU, OU!!!

Gandalf
Member


Joined: Mon Sep 8th, 2014
Location:  
Posts: 310
Country of Origin: 
Signature: 
Status:  Offline
Mana: 
 Posted: Fri Feb 3rd, 2017 01:59 pm

Quote

Reply
My favorite move quote of all time.

"Yeah I called her up, she gave me a bunch of c--p about me not listening to her, or something, I don't know, I wasn't really paying attention."

It is from Dumb and Dumber when Lloyd and Harry are in the heart shaped hot tub.

Last edited on Fri Feb 3rd, 2017 02:00 pm by Gandalf

Triple Option
Member


Joined: Mon Oct 25th, 2010
Location: Pleasant Hill, MO
Posts: 2048
Country of Origin: 
Signature: 
Status:  Offline
Mana: 
 Posted: Fri Feb 3rd, 2017 03:27 pm

Quote

Reply
Never date a tennis player. Love means nothing to them.

Triple Option
Member


Joined: Mon Oct 25th, 2010
Location: Pleasant Hill, MO
Posts: 2048
Country of Origin: 
Signature: 
Status:  Offline
Mana: 
 Posted: Fri Feb 3rd, 2017 07:57 pm

Quote

Reply
So a guy has been in out of jail several times and wants to straighten out his life. He’d always wanted to be a writer so he submits a manuscript. They reject it with the note “Sorry, but we can’t publish your work. You have too many short sentences.”


Also this http://www.si.com/nfl/photo/2017/02/01/super-bowl-li-separated-birth

Cemetery Guy
Ragtags


Joined: Thu Sep 18th, 2008
Location: Bethany, Oklahoma USA
Posts: 4182
Country of Origin: Three quarters of a mile west of the Indian Meridian.
Signature: 
Status:  Offline
Mana: 
 Posted: Fri Feb 3rd, 2017 08:50 pm

Quote

Reply
These twin brothers, Juan and Amal, were wanted by the police.  Somebody called in a tip on where they were, but the two men ran off when the officers showed up.  They rather quickly caught Juan, but the other brother was still loose in the area. 

It was a residential neighborhood and there was some concern that the wanted man might be able to go unrecognized and slip out of the net, so the incident commander had all the officers go stop by and take a good look at Juan in order to recognize his features.

Because once you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal.

OldHippie
Member


Joined: Tue Jul 24th, 2007
Location: Sitting Down And Facing Forward , Kansas USA
Posts: 1024
Country of Origin: No Man's Land
Signature: still crazy after all these years
Status:  Offline
Mana: 
 Posted: Fri Feb 3rd, 2017 08:51 pm

Quote

Reply
Darling," said the swooning man to his new bride. "Now that we are married,
 do you think you will be able to live on my small income?"
 "Of course, dearest, no trouble," she said. "But what will you live on?"

Last edited on Fri Feb 3rd, 2017 08:52 pm by OldHippie

Walt
Administrator


Joined: Fri Apr 13th, 2007
Location: The High Plains Of NW Oklahoma.
Posts: 13768
Country of Origin: 
Signature: 
Status:  Offline
Mana: 
 Posted: Fri Feb 3rd, 2017 10:19 pm

Quote

Reply
Cemetery Guy wrote: These twin brothers, Juan and Amal, were wanted by the police.  Somebody called in a tip on where they were, but the two men ran off when the officers showed up.  They rather quickly caught Juan, but the other brother was still loose in the area. 

It was a residential neighborhood and there was some concern that the wanted man might be able to go unrecognized and slip out of the net, so the incident commander had all the officers go stop by and take a good look at Juan in order to recognize his features.

Because once you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal.

CG, for pete's same it is "once you've seen Juan, you've seen Emal.  :shock::shock::?

Walt
Administrator


Joined: Fri Apr 13th, 2007
Location: The High Plains Of NW Oklahoma.
Posts: 13768
Country of Origin: 
Signature: 
Status:  Offline
Mana: 
 Posted: Fri Feb 3rd, 2017 10:30 pm

Quote

Reply
Three logicians walk into a bar. The bartender asks “Do all of you want a drink?” The first logician says “I don’t know.” The second logician says the same. The third says “Yes!”  :big confused:

Walt
Administrator


Joined: Fri Apr 13th, 2007
Location: The High Plains Of NW Oklahoma.
Posts: 13768
Country of Origin: 
Signature: 
Status:  Offline
Mana: 
 Posted: Fri Feb 3rd, 2017 10:35 pm

Quote

Reply
An infinite number of mathematicians walk in to a bar.  The first orders a beer, the 2nd orders half a beer, the 3rd orders a quarter of an beer and so on.  After the 7th order, the bartender pours two beers and says, "you fellas ought to know your limits. :D

Walt
Administrator


Joined: Fri Apr 13th, 2007
Location: The High Plains Of NW Oklahoma.
Posts: 13768
Country of Origin: 
Signature: 
Status:  Offline
Mana: 
 Posted: Fri Feb 3rd, 2017 10:42 pm

Quote

Reply
A man was sitting in a bar and noticed a group of people using sign language. He also noticed that the bartender was using sign language to speak to them.

When the bartender returned to him, the man asked how he had learned to use sign language.  The bartender explained that these were regular customers and had taught him to speak in sign.

The man thought that was great. A few minutes later the man noticed that the people in the group were waving their hands around very wildly.

The bartender looked over and signed "Now cut that out! I warned you!" and threw the group out of the bar.

The man asked why he had done that and the bartender said, "If I told them once I told them 100 times - NO SINGING IN THE BAR!"


tennsooner
Member


Joined: Sat Aug 11th, 2007
Location: Columbia, Tennessee USA
Posts: 4872
Country of Origin: 
Signature: DAYTONA 500 for those who have brain damage.
Status:  Offline
Mana: 
 Posted: Sat Feb 4th, 2017 02:09 am

Quote

Reply
Jim Bob and Billy Bob were out deer hunting. Jim Bob accidentally shoots Bill Bob. He carries him off to the hospital and asks the Dr "Will Billy Bob be ok". The Dr says I don't know but he would have stood a much better chance had you not field dressed him before you brought him in.

K2C Sooner
Member


Joined: Wed Feb 17th, 2016
Location:  
Posts: 2871
Country of Origin: 
Signature: 
Status:  Offline
Mana: 
 Posted: Sat Feb 4th, 2017 03:08 am

Quote

Reply
OU Chinaman calls in sick..........

K2C Sooner
Member


Joined: Wed Feb 17th, 2016
Location:  
Posts: 2871
Country of Origin: 
Signature: 
Status:  Offline
Mana: 
 Posted: Sat Feb 4th, 2017 03:13 am

Quote

Reply
Sorry you lost your ride OldHippie..

K2C Sooner
Member


Joined: Wed Feb 17th, 2016
Location:  
Posts: 2871
Country of Origin: 
Signature: 
Status:  Offline
Mana: 
 Posted: Sat Feb 4th, 2017 03:17 am

Quote

Reply
Now we know why he lost his bus....OldHippie, the younger days.:dude:

Triple Option
Member


Joined: Mon Oct 25th, 2010
Location: Pleasant Hill, MO
Posts: 2048
Country of Origin: 
Signature: 
Status:  Offline
Mana: 
 Posted: Sat Feb 4th, 2017 09:56 pm

Quote

Reply
I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down.

Triple Option
Member


Joined: Mon Oct 25th, 2010
Location: Pleasant Hill, MO
Posts: 2048
Country of Origin: 
Signature: 
Status:  Offline
Mana: 
 Posted: Mon Feb 6th, 2017 05:06 pm

Quote

Reply
A guys is talking to God and says "God, how long is a million years to you?"
And God says "Oh, a million years to me is like a second."
The guy says "So how much is a million dollars to you?"
God says "A million dollars to me is like a penny."
The guy thinks a little while and then he asks "God, can I just have a penny?"
God says "Sure, just a second."

Triple Option
Member


Joined: Mon Oct 25th, 2010
Location: Pleasant Hill, MO
Posts: 2048
Country of Origin: 
Signature: 
Status:  Offline
Mana: 
 Posted: Wed Feb 8th, 2017 06:27 pm

Quote

Reply
When I was younger, I felt like a guy trapped in a woman’s body. Then I was born.

Triple Option
Member


Joined: Mon Oct 25th, 2010
Location: Pleasant Hill, MO
Posts: 2048
Country of Origin: 
Signature: 
Status:  Offline
Mana: 
 Posted: Thu Feb 9th, 2017 01:59 pm

Quote

Reply
I usually meet my wife for lunch at 12:59 because I like that one to one time.

humblesooner
Member
 

Joined: Tue Aug 28th, 2007
Location: Huffman, Texas USA
Posts: 1818
Country of Origin: 
Signature: 
Status:  Offline
Mana: 
 Posted: Thu Feb 9th, 2017 02:16 pm

Quote

Reply
tennsooner wrote:
Jim Bob and Billy Bob were out deer hunting. Jim Bob accidentally shoots Bill Bob. He carries him off to the hospital and asks the Dr "Will Billy Bob be ok". The Dr says I don't know but he would have stood a much better chance had you not field dressed him before you brought him in.

Another similar story from the "Bob" brothers. Once again, out deer hunting. Jim Bob accidentally shoots Billy Bob. He immediately calls 911.
JB: (Frantically) I just accidentally shot and killed Billy Bob while we were hunting. What do I do? What do I do?
911: Now Sir, first, you must calm down.
JB: OK. I'm calm. Now what?
911: Now I need you to make sure Billy Bob is dead.
JB: Hold on just a sec.
Noise in background: LOUD BANG
JB: OK. Now what?
:D


 Current time is 09:44 am
Page:    1  2  3  4  5  6  ...  Next Page Last Page  




Powered by WowBB 1.7 - Copyright © 2003-2006 Aycan Gulez